Why Trying to Control Anxiety Makes It Worse

If you struggle with anxiety, you’ve probably spent a lot of time trying to get rid of it. Calm it down. Talk yourself out of it. Figure out why it’s there so it doesn’t come back.  Most people do this automatically. It makes sense  anxiety feels uncomfortable, sometimes frightening, and very convincing. Of course you’d want it gone.

But here’s the part that often comes as a surprise in therapy:

• Trying to control anxiety is usually what keeps it going.
• Anxiety isn’t a sign that something is wrong.

One of the first things I often say to clients is this: Anxiety is not a failure. It’s not a flaw in your personality. It’s a normal human response. Anxiety is the body’s alarm system. Sometimes it goes off when there’s real danger. Other times it goes off when there isn’t or when the danger has long passed. The problem starts when anxiety itself becomes the thing we’re most afraid of.

What control usually looks like

When people try to control anxiety, it often shows up as:

• Constantly checking how you feel
• Trying to “think positively” or push thoughts away
• Avoiding situations just in case anxiety appears
• Looking for reassurance that everything is OK

These strategies can bring short-term relief. But they also send a message to your brain:

“Anxiety is dangerous. I need to stay alert.”

And that keeps the alarm switched on.The more you fight anxiety, the louder it gets. There’s a frustrating paradox with anxiety: The more attention you give it, the bigger it feels. If you’re constantly scanning your body, your thoughts or your emotions to see if anxiety is there, you’re training your brain to keep checking too.

Trying not to feel anxious often means:

• Thinking about anxiety more
• Monitoring yourself more closely
• Becoming more sensitive to normal sensations

This isn’t because you’re doing anything wrong. It’s because the mind doesn’t respond well to pressure or force. Anxiety isn’t the enemy,  the struggle with it is.

Why “getting rid of anxiety” is an impossible goal

Many people come to therapy hoping for one thing:“I just want the anxiety to stop.”The difficulty with this goal is that anxiety is part of being human. Everyone experiences it at times. Even people who seem calm and confident.When the goal becomes never feeling anxious, every anxious moment feels like proof that something has gone wrong.

That can lead to:

• Frustration with yourself
• Fear about the future
• Even more effort to control how you feel

And round the cycle goes.

Acceptance doesn’t mean giving up

Acceptance is often misunderstood. It doesn’t mean liking anxiety or resigning yourself to it forever.

Acceptance means:

• Letting anxiety be there without fighting it
• Stopping the constant effort to fix or eliminate it
• Carrying on with life even when anxiety shows up

It’s about changing your relationship with anxiety, rather than trying to make it disappear.A helpful phrase many people use is:

“I don’t need to feel calm to live my life.”

What happens when you stop trying to control anxiety

When people stop battling anxiety, a few important things often happen:

• The nervous system gets a break from constant pressure
• Anxiety is no longer treated as an emergency
• Confidence slowly grows not because anxiety vanishes, but because it becomes less threatening

Ironically, this is often when anxiety begins to ease on its own.Not because it was forced away but because it was allowed to settle.

Small CBT shifts that can help

You don’t need to change everything at once. Small shifts matter.

• Name anxiety for what it is:
  “This feels uncomfortable, but it’s anxiety not danger.”
• Notice the urge to control:
  Gently ask, “What happens if I stop trying to fix this right now?”
• Reduce avoidance:
  Keep doing the things that matter to you, even with anxiety present.
• Be kinder to yourself:
  Anxiety is hard enough without self-criticism layered on top.

A different way to approach the year ahead

Rather than setting a goal to stop feeling anxious, it might help to try something different: Not  “I must get rid of anxiety this year.” But “I’m learning how to respond differently when anxiety shows up.” That shift from control to acceptance is often where things begin to change.